Comic Verse

By Edward Segel

I am the very model of a Humanist-Historian,
The total scope of scholarship is something that I glory in.
I ride the range of history and set the law for lesser men,
Of true Kulturgeschichte Ižm the sole surviving specimen.

To one with my capacious mind the Greeks present no mysteries -
Without a pause I explicate their problematic histories.
I straighten out the errors of that amateur Thucydides,
And split the finest hairs explaining philosophic quiddities.

I'm pleased to rescue Pericles in matters constitutional,
And then surpass Demosthenes in manner elocutional.
In poetry I clarify the Attic from the Dorian -
I am the very model of a Humanist-Historian.

The sophomores I entertain with stories of the Old Regime,
I bring its glories back to life as if in some nostalgic dream.
I dote on the aristocrats, and savour their douceur de vivre -
Their "decent drapery of life" is something only I can weave.

I second-guess philosophers with criticism textual;
My lecturežs laced with anecdotes appropriately sexual.
Around it all I weave a web of scholarly embroidery --
When all else fails, psychologize with subtle Sigmund-Freudery.

If Gladstone and Disraeli had my wisdom magisterial,
Britannia could have waived the rules and saved her jewels imperial.
I miss those days which I could choose to be a Whig or Tory in -
I am the very model of a Humanist-Historian.

Come to Reed - here's a welcome to meet you,
Soon enough you'll find problems to greet you.
Be aware - lest dilemmas defeat you
With the rarefied riddles of Reed.
Don't despair - wežve the honor to treat you
To the insider's insights you need.

Say goodbye now to Eastern decorum,
Where each meeting's equipped with a quorum.
Say goodbye to the tea-party forum,
All attentive however you bore 'em -
Say hello to the Great Northwest.

Say goodbye - to preppy dress, Sir,
No J. Press, Sir - or college letters
On Brooks Brothers sweaters.

Come to Reed - we may seem Lilliputian,
But we grow with each new constitution.
We reserve all our best elocution
To create parliamentary murk,
Lest we ever achieve resolution -
Then we'd all have to go back to work.

Never mind a point of order!
Like a soldier, give no quarter!
Bang the gavel - speak up loud, Sir,
Don't unravel - keep them cowed, Sir.
If they dawdle, you give them beatings.
Best of all - have no more meetings,
Faculty meetings, Faculty meetings.
If you keep these rules unfailing,
I can promise you smooth sailing.


Soon you'll have to make a budget -
To a balance try to nudge it -
If you can't, you'll have to fudge it -
Cut their pay, they won't begrudge it -
Cook the books and fool the judge, it
Won't be very hard to do.

Come to Reed - you won't regret it -
Take the lead - don't forget it -
Say goodbye - to lesser knowledge -
Say hello - to our brilliant College!

Come to Reed - don't let rumors dismay you,
Just accept any pittance we pay you.
All the students will swear to obey you,
And not ever, no never, to scrounge.
The Trustees say they'll always display you
On the walls of the Faculty Lounge.

When they come to write your story,
They'll ask why you came to Reed.
Then we'll bask in mutual glory,
For you chose to come to Reed -
(He really came to Reed! - )
For you chose to come to Reed!

* * * *

Gay Pride verses to "America the Beautiful"


(sung by the Portland Gay Men's Chorus at their concert in Portland, June 29, 1996)
O beautiful for lovers' dreams
  Of walking hand in hand,
With open pride as freedom's beams
  Light up a loving land.
America! America!
  See where thy children lead:
Our hands that clasp in loving grasp
  Are there to serve thy need.

O beautiful for love that cries
  To challenge ev'ry wrong,
For faith through ev'ry sacrifice,
  For hope in ev'ry song.
America! America!
  Thy fears and strife be stilled;
Thy rightful pride be justified,
  Thy promise all fulfilled.